ettyblatant

Listen. If you separate the dessert side, and debone and shred that chicken, I would 100% try the bite with the grape on it.

You. Get out.

She was considering speaking up about the teacher having six fingers

drunk lush of a woman

I am certainly not here to be all like MEN DO IT TOO but I felt the need to drop an anecdote about a lead singer in a band I toured with once. He only drank black label beer, no liquor. He blacked out every night and pissed all the beds he met lol

“I love you…r mom”

I like the idea of you just sitting on your couch, suddenly looking around and slapping your knees to stand, just saying “WELP THAT DOES IT. I AIN’T LEARNING SHIT TODAY.”

I like thinking about cats as my little contract worker. We have a great relationship, but as soon as I ask him to wear a tie or show up to meetings, I very curtly and loudly am reprimanded and reminded that at the end of the day, he. is. a. contractor. and to go fuck myself

“once one senses Trouble Gut, they must accept and nurture Trouble Butt…”

Penis.

*Penis

OMG *PENIS

Me too!!! It sucks especially because I live on a busy road :(

I heard something a few days ago that sounded 100% like someone crashing a car through my apartment. I jumped up and looked around, and nothing was happening. Sometimes it just sounds like a gunshot next to my ear, but usually it sounds like an industrial crash. Screeching metal exploding.

1-800-CALLCOLLECT “imatthemallatboscospickmeup” and then get your dime back

I realized my faux pas TOO LATE! I got my yinz and jawn all mixed up!

Not kidding, just ignorant 😞

Don’t start with that philly jawn

My most hilarious and embarrassing story has an element in it that involves seeing my friend get knocked out by his father in front of my mom and brother. The kid was 15 and was in trouble for breaking landscaping bricks at a local park.

The hilarious story happens right after that, when 11 year old me got violently pantsed by bike handlebars in front of a man driving by and now I am realizing that the whole thing is traumatic :(

Yeah, my name is Roseanne and it got weird when someone just started calling me Sean