I acknowledge that the cutting off part is valid, but that wasn’t in OPs post.
Top the broader point, I can say confidently that many men feel like to provide an actionable solution to a problem projects exactly what you say that you want - to us it says that we’ve seen, heard and understood you and we cared enough to process the information we heard and offer a solution that we formed by investing some real thought/energy into you as a person we care about.
Can you empathize with how, to a person with the above perception, that just quietly nodding along and saying, “that’s really tough” or “I’m sorry about that honey” would sound like exactly the opposite of what you say you want - Like we’re not actually tuned in and listening to you, but rather just waiting for pauses in your speech so we can share generic platitudes while maintaining eye contact to give the illusion that we’re invested?
It’s a tricky balance and there’s likely just a fundamental disconnect that we should address. I think you and I can solve this one for the whole world going forward though, what do you think?
Oftentimes though, if I’m sharing frustration with something, I already have a solution. It’s just that it’s hard, or inconvenient, or stressful. If my partner comes in immediately with solutions, the discussion immediately turns to practical discussion of the solution I have in mind vs. what my partner thinks is best. If I already have a viable solution in mind, this is not what I need and puts me on the defensive when I’m already stressed and hurt. Especially if my partner doesn’t fully understand the problem yet. This has the capability to turn into arguing very fast because it presents the opportunity for disagreement without dealing with underlying emotional states.
However, if my partner instead listens, starts by supporting me emotionally, “I’m sorry, that’s tough”, and lets me get my piece out, I’m already going to feel a bit better, especially if I can trust my partner not to assume I just haven’t thought about it enough. Much of the time, all I need is reassurance and confidence-building in the solution I already have - mirroring on an emotional level without focusing on finding better practical solutions is a perfect way to do that. After I’m freaking out a little less and have laid out the full problem and it’s completely understood, I don’t mind some “have you tried X” or “what would you think of Y” conversation. But the emotional work and full understanding of the problem has to come first for that to be productive.
Damn. Downvotes for a perfectly cogent explanation.
Those of you downvoting consider that not everyone wants, needs, or has the same relationship dynamics or even personal philosophies towards emotional work and reactions to problems.
Unprocessed feelings always come out in some way, not all healthy. Suppressing temporarily or venting are only part of the equation. Choosing to process negative shit with or in front of a partner is something for each person and couple to figure out.
You’re completely right and it’s taken me a while to get there. My engineer brain always wants to be solution oriented, but sometimes my GF just needs someone to vent to, and that’s ok!
omfg as an engineer SAME! I’ve struggled with both sides of this somehow. Being a great problem solver gives you some very useful tools, but they’re not always the right tools for the job in interpersonal situations. It’s taken some time to remember in the moment that venting usually contains emotions greater than the specifics of what’s being discussed, and as a partner the emotions are generally the important part. Solutions come easy once everyone’s calm, if they’re even necessary or possible in the first place.
I acknowledge that the cutting off part is valid, but that wasn’t in OPs post.
Top the broader point, I can say confidently that many men feel like to provide an actionable solution to a problem projects exactly what you say that you want - to us it says that we’ve seen, heard and understood you and we cared enough to process the information we heard and offer a solution that we formed by investing some real thought/energy into you as a person we care about.
Can you empathize with how, to a person with the above perception, that just quietly nodding along and saying, “that’s really tough” or “I’m sorry about that honey” would sound like exactly the opposite of what you say you want - Like we’re not actually tuned in and listening to you, but rather just waiting for pauses in your speech so we can share generic platitudes while maintaining eye contact to give the illusion that we’re invested?
It’s a tricky balance and there’s likely just a fundamental disconnect that we should address. I think you and I can solve this one for the whole world going forward though, what do you think?
Oftentimes though, if I’m sharing frustration with something, I already have a solution. It’s just that it’s hard, or inconvenient, or stressful. If my partner comes in immediately with solutions, the discussion immediately turns to practical discussion of the solution I have in mind vs. what my partner thinks is best. If I already have a viable solution in mind, this is not what I need and puts me on the defensive when I’m already stressed and hurt. Especially if my partner doesn’t fully understand the problem yet. This has the capability to turn into arguing very fast because it presents the opportunity for disagreement without dealing with underlying emotional states.
However, if my partner instead listens, starts by supporting me emotionally, “I’m sorry, that’s tough”, and lets me get my piece out, I’m already going to feel a bit better, especially if I can trust my partner not to assume I just haven’t thought about it enough. Much of the time, all I need is reassurance and confidence-building in the solution I already have - mirroring on an emotional level without focusing on finding better practical solutions is a perfect way to do that. After I’m freaking out a little less and have laid out the full problem and it’s completely understood, I don’t mind some “have you tried X” or “what would you think of Y” conversation. But the emotional work and full understanding of the problem has to come first for that to be productive.
Damn. Downvotes for a perfectly cogent explanation. Those of you downvoting consider that not everyone wants, needs, or has the same relationship dynamics or even personal philosophies towards emotional work and reactions to problems.
Unprocessed feelings always come out in some way, not all healthy. Suppressing temporarily or venting are only part of the equation. Choosing to process negative shit with or in front of a partner is something for each person and couple to figure out.
You’re completely right and it’s taken me a while to get there. My engineer brain always wants to be solution oriented, but sometimes my GF just needs someone to vent to, and that’s ok!
omfg as an engineer SAME! I’ve struggled with both sides of this somehow. Being a great problem solver gives you some very useful tools, but they’re not always the right tools for the job in interpersonal situations. It’s taken some time to remember in the moment that venting usually contains emotions greater than the specifics of what’s being discussed, and as a partner the emotions are generally the important part. Solutions come easy once everyone’s calm, if they’re even necessary or possible in the first place.
that because you suck at active listening